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Heat Wave Replaces Crematory | FFFW 242
I think we’re nearing the end of this heatwave, and that’s plenty of reason to celebrate – so celebrate we shall. Also, this is the last Friday of June and next week is the 4th of July! One of the greatest holidays lands on a Friday this year?!?! That’s Incredible!
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Cremation Chamber Refuses to Fire Up, Says, “Honestly? The Sun’s Got This One”
NASHVILLE, TN — With Middle Tennessee temperatures reaching a soul-evaporating 109 degrees this week and humidity levels described by meteorologists as “suffocating at best,” local cremation equipment is staging what appears to be a full-on mutiny.
“Our retort just sat there blinking like, ‘Y’all serious right now?’” said Jeremy Polk, lead operator at Smoky Hollow Crematory just outside Hendersonville. “It hit 1,400 degrees in the chamber—and we hadn’t even pressed start. That’s just solar.”
“We tried troubleshooting,” said funeral director Sarah Wayne. “Rebooted the system, checked the gas lines, even sweet-talked her with a Bluetooth speaker and some Vince Gill. Nothing. She just kept humming and pointing toward the sun.”
New “eco-cremation” protocols are now being tested, which include placing decedents under a pop-up canopy and letting the Tennessee sun do what it does best—slow-roast everything in sight. While not yet legally recognized, Polk says it’s “basically nature’s retort, just slower and with more cicadas.”
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Local families are reportedly understanding. “Pawpaw loved two things: country ham and the Volunteer State,” said Madison County resident Elaine Trotter. “Honestly, getting slow-cooked outside behind a church feels kind of right.”
Meanwhile, OSHA has issued an official warning to crematory workers to avoid licking metal trays, standing on blacktop longer than 6 seconds, and emotionally bonding with the walk-in cooler.
At press time, Big Bertha had submitted a vacation request to relocate to Gatlinburg and “maybe just be a pizza oven for a bit.”
Trivia
Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.
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How many human remains are interred at the Catacombs of Paris?
Answer Choices:
You Otter Be Proud
Here’s some good news going on in the profession.
- Unique Program Recycles Pacemakers Retrieved from the Deceased
- People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
- Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones
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Spanish: Ataúdes y Urnas Económicos en Venta - Financiamos Aunque Tenga Mal Crédito o Sin Crédito
French: Cercueils et Urnes Abordables à Vendre - Nous Finançons, Mauvais Crédit ou Pas de Crédit Accepté
Japanese: 手頃な価格の棺および壺を販売 - 悪いクレジットやクレジットがなくてもファイナンス可能
Korean: 저렴한 관과 운구 판매 - 나쁜 신용 또는 신용 없음, 금융 지원 가능
