Executive Orders For Funerals | FFFW 222

Executive Orders For Funerals | FFFW 222

DISCLAIMER: None of the F’s in FFFW stand for “facts.”

Enjoy the jokes and satire. What a week. It’s wild how much can change in a week. So many huge things happened. Where should we begin? Did you hear about Donald?

That’s right- Retired L.A. Rams player, Aaron Donald showed up to their wildcard game a couple of weeks back and is making sports news as people speculate whether or not he could have a comeback.

We finance caskets CLICK HERE and send it directly to the funeral home of your choice. Or go directly to the application HERE.

Then… what about Tik Tok. We’ve all been talking about it! “Tik Tok” by Kesha is nearing in on 1.5 BILLION streams on Spotify.

And while I can admit I’ve jammed to the song several times- no dental professional condones brushing teeth with a bottle of jack.

Just use toothpaste. Your breath will smell better. Anyway- now that we’re caught up on current events- let’s get moving!

Days until the Chiefs win the Big Game: 16

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Executive Orders if the President Were a Funeral Director

Executive Order #101: Hearse Lanes on the Interstate

Because nothing says “dignity in death” like zipping past rush hour traffic in a dedicated funeral procession lane. Bonus perk: hearse drivers get free toll passes if they can honk “Amazing Grace” on the way through.

Executive Order #404: No More Boring Obituaries

Effective immediately, all obituaries must include at least one outrageous fact—whether true or not. “Beloved father of three, Jerry once wrestled a bear in a Denny’s parking lot and won” is now the gold standard. Families who opt for “he enjoyed golf” will face fines.

Executive Order #676: Ban on Overplayed Funeral Songs

Under this directive, any family who requests “My Heart Will Go On” for a service must also sit through a Titanic-length slideshow of random stock photos. All versions of Wind Beneath My Wings? Immediate fine.

Executive Order #999: The Eternal Tax Credit

Families who purchase a burial or cremation package early will receive a 10% tax deduction, affectionately called “The Dead Deduction.” Citizens are encouraged to plan ahead for Uncle Larry’s inevitable demise and deduct his burial from next year’s refund.

Executive Order #207: National Moment of Silence—And Silence Only

A hard ban on side conversations during funeral services. Any guest caught whispering, “Who’s the caterer?” during the eulogy will be sent to the parking lot holding a sign that reads, I couldn’t keep quiet.

Trivia

What celebrity had their ashes sent to space aboard a rocket?

Select the correct answer, and you’ll get a GIF of an otter. Select the wrong one, and you’ll get a GIF of someone hurting themselves.

Answer Choices:

A) Freddie Mercury

B) David Bowie

C) James Doohan

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1. Wilson Funeral Home director honored for organ donor support
2. Old Lick Cemetery in Roanoke cleaned, repaired with help of national expert
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones