Christmas Spectacular | FFFW 262

Christmas Spectacular | FFFW 262

Guys! It is here! This is our last issue before Christmas. You know how much I love this week and we are starting the celebration now!

DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS: 6
DAYS TIL NEW YEAR’S: 13
DAYS TIL THE BIG GAME: 51

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Ghost of Christmas Future Presents 2026 Forecast; Staff Begs Him to Stop

Mild Oaks Memorial Chapel got an uninvited visitor this week when the Ghost of Christmas Future appeared in the arrangement office at 7:02 a.m. and asked, politely, if they had a chair that didn’t squeak “like regret.” Staff assumed it was a new consultant until he raised one bony hand and the wall filled with a glowing list titled POTENTIAL 2026 FIRST CALLS.

“At first I thought it was like, general trends,” said office manager Paula Knox. “Seasonality. Flu season. Normal stuff. Then he clicked to the next slide and it was just names. Not full names, but enough. ‘Gary. 64. Loves smoked meats.’ That’s not a trend. That’s a person.”

The ghost, described by witnesses as “all black cloak, no small talk,” paced slowly as if giving a lunch-and-learn. He pointed out neighborhoods, common hobbies, and “high likelihood family dynamics,” then suggested the funeral home “tighten up their pre-need funnel” because, as he put it, “your future clientele is currently scrolling and feeling invincible.” When a funeral director asked how he got the information, the ghost turned toward him and the room temperature dropped three degrees.

That’s when the owner, pale and sweating, finally managed the only ethical question anyone had left. “Are these the things that are to come,” he whispered, “or are they things that may be, only?”

The Ghost of Christmas Future paused. “Could be,” he said, nodding gravely. “Could be. But you all keep acting like pre-need is hypothetical. I’m here to remind you it’s not. Now would you like to see the slide called ‘People Who Will Google You at 2:11 a.m. and Leave Because Your Website Still Has a Fax Number’?”Staff begged him to stop. The ghost did not stop. He simply clicked to the next page, where a single sentence appeared in icy letters: Do not turn prophecy into a mailing list. Then, quietly, he wrote “ASK FOR THE APPOINTMENT” on the whiteboard, underlined it once, and vanished, leaving behind only a lingering chill and a printer that somehow started working again.

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
“Hey Funeral Dude, families have brought us so much food during the holidays that our breakroom looks like a church potluck that lost control. What’s the polite, professional way to accept it without becoming 40% cookie by Christmas Eve?”

— Stuffed on First Call

Answer:
Christmas, though a holy and joyful time, is also often plagued with gluttony. And in a funeral home, people love you and they express that love in food. Unfortunately, what you’re gonna have to do is guilt one of your employees into taking it all home. I recommend the following lines to get it out of your workplace and into someone else’s house to be their temptation.

• “Hey, you’ve got kids right? They’ll crush this in like… ten minutes.”
• “This needs a loving home, and I’m simply not strong enough.”
• “Doctor’s orders. I can’t be within 15 feet of fudge.”
• “I’m pretty sure OSHA has a maximum cookie limit for breakrooms.”
• “If this stays here, I’m going to start billing myself for ‘aftercare.’”
• “We’ve officially entered Phase Two: The Ham Era. Someone has to take the ham.”
• “I’m not saying you have to take it… I’m just saying the Lord is watching.”
• “We can’t keep stacking casseroles in the fridge like we’re playing Jenga with dairy.”
• “This pie is a family heirloom now. I’m passing it down to you.”
• “I would take it home, but my pantry is already under investigation.”
• “If you leave right now with that tray, I will personally call you ‘a team player’ in the group chat.”
• “Please. I’m one cinnamon roll away from needing an XL suit jacket.”
• “This isn’t food anymore. This is a morale hazard.”
• “Take it before the embalmer sees it and starts calling it ‘lunch.’”
• “We’re a funeral home, not a buffet. Although… lately it’s been close.”

And if they still refuse, you have one final, nuclear option:

• “Okay. Then I’m putting your name on it in Sharpie and telling everyone you asked for it.”

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1. This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones