Christmas Spectacular | FFFW 262

Guys! It is here! This is our last issue before Christmas. You know how much I love this week and we are starting the celebration now!

DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS: 6
DAYS TIL NEW YEAR’S: 13
DAYS TIL THE BIG GAME: 51

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Ghost of Christmas Future Presents 2026 Forecast; Staff Begs Him to Stop

Mild Oaks Memorial Chapel got an uninvited visitor this week when the Ghost of Christmas Future appeared in the arrangement office at 7:02 a.m. and asked, politely, if they had a chair that didn’t squeak “like regret.” Staff assumed it was a new consultant until he raised one bony hand and the wall filled with a glowing list titled POTENTIAL 2026 FIRST CALLS.

“At first I thought it was like, general trends,” said office manager Paula Knox. “Seasonality. Flu season. Normal stuff. Then he clicked to the next slide and it was just names. Not full names, but enough. ‘Gary. 64. Loves smoked meats.’ That’s not a trend. That’s a person.”

The ghost, described by witnesses as “all black cloak, no small talk,” paced slowly as if giving a lunch-and-learn. He pointed out neighborhoods, common hobbies, and “high likelihood family dynamics,” then suggested the funeral home “tighten up their pre-need funnel” because, as he put it, “your future clientele is currently scrolling and feeling invincible.” When a funeral director asked how he got the information, the ghost turned toward him and the room temperature dropped three degrees.

That’s when the owner, pale and sweating, finally managed the only ethical question anyone had left. “Are these the things that are to come,” he whispered, “or are they things that may be, only?”

The Ghost of Christmas Future paused. “Could be,” he said, nodding gravely. “Could be. But you all keep acting like pre-need is hypothetical. I’m here to remind you it’s not. Now would you like to see the slide called ‘People Who Will Google You at 2:11 a.m. and Leave Because Your Website Still Has a Fax Number’?”Staff begged him to stop. The ghost did not stop. He simply clicked to the next page, where a single sentence appeared in icy letters: Do not turn prophecy into a mailing list. Then, quietly, he wrote “ASK FOR THE APPOINTMENT” on the whiteboard, underlined it once, and vanished, leaving behind only a lingering chill and a printer that somehow started working again.

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
“Hey Funeral Dude, families have brought us so much food during the holidays that our breakroom looks like a church potluck that lost control. What’s the polite, professional way to accept it without becoming 40% cookie by Christmas Eve?”

— Stuffed on First Call

Answer:
Christmas, though a holy and joyful time, is also often plagued with gluttony. And in a funeral home, people love you and they express that love in food. Unfortunately, what you’re gonna have to do is guilt one of your employees into taking it all home. I recommend the following lines to get it out of your workplace and into someone else’s house to be their temptation.

• “Hey, you’ve got kids right? They’ll crush this in like… ten minutes.”
• “This needs a loving home, and I’m simply not strong enough.”
• “Doctor’s orders. I can’t be within 15 feet of fudge.”
• “I’m pretty sure OSHA has a maximum cookie limit for breakrooms.”
• “If this stays here, I’m going to start billing myself for ‘aftercare.’”
• “We’ve officially entered Phase Two: The Ham Era. Someone has to take the ham.”
• “I’m not saying you have to take it… I’m just saying the Lord is watching.”
• “We can’t keep stacking casseroles in the fridge like we’re playing Jenga with dairy.”
• “This pie is a family heirloom now. I’m passing it down to you.”
• “I would take it home, but my pantry is already under investigation.”
• “If you leave right now with that tray, I will personally call you ‘a team player’ in the group chat.”
• “Please. I’m one cinnamon roll away from needing an XL suit jacket.”
• “This isn’t food anymore. This is a morale hazard.”
• “Take it before the embalmer sees it and starts calling it ‘lunch.’”
• “We’re a funeral home, not a buffet. Although… lately it’s been close.”

And if they still refuse, you have one final, nuclear option:

• “Okay. Then I’m putting your name on it in Sharpie and telling everyone you asked for it.”

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1. This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones

Thanksgiving Spectacular | FFFW 259

Y’all, this is the final Friday before Thanksgiving, which means it’s our FFFW Thanksgiving special!! So, let’s start talking politics and overcooking the turkey to get in the right mood.

Here’s my first pondering for the season- do we save all the orange colored foods for Thanksgiving? Pumpkin, sweet potatoes, glazed carrots. I think 95% of the orange colored food I eat a year is just for Thanksgiving. Riddle me that!

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

New monthly newsletter!

“The Memo” is for funeral directors to stay updated on the latest tools, pro-tips, video tricks, and technology op-eds in the funeral profession. Subscribers will get exclusive access to early offers, discounts, and feature releases.

To subscribe to The Memo, click the button below.

[Subscribe Now]

Funeral Home’s “Gravy Fountain” Centerpiece Deemed “Festive but Concerning” by State Inspector

Maple Oaks Funeral Home’s attempt to lean into the season hit a snag this week when their new three tier stainless steel gravy fountain (installed as a Thanksgiving themed chapel centerpiece) prompted both compliments from families and a strongly worded note from the state inspector.

The fountain, which continuously circulates 1.5 gallons of turkey gravy over an arrangement of faux fall leaves and votive candles, debuted at Monday’s visitation. Families described it as “oddly comforting” and “like Golden Corral for grief.” The state inspector, however, reportedly called it “the first time I’ve ever had to ask if meat drippings are part of the decor or a spill.”

“It’s hospitality,” said funeral director Trent Morrow, gesturing proudly to the softly burbling stream of gravy flowing beside the register stand. “People bring casseroles, pies, Aunt Linda’s questionable Jell O salad. We just thought, why not provide the one thing everyone wishes they had more of: gravy? It’s about service.”

Prep room manager Paula, who has spent the week mopping, was less enthusiastic. “I walked out of the prep room and thought someone had embalmed a turkey,” she said. “We’ve got toddlers double fisting dinner rolls, adults trying to just get a little more on this side, and a carpet that now has a permanent au jus sheen. The slip hazards alone are a sermon illustration.”

The state inspector’s report allegedly listed the fountain under “Miscellaneous Concerns,” including:

• Open, communal meat based liquid source within 10 feet of the casket
• Repeated contact between ladles and mourners’ emotional support mashed potatoes
• Unclear if this is a buffet accessory or ritual object

Morrow insists they are in full compliance. “There’s a sneeze guard,” he said. “We even warmed the gravy to comfort food temp, not bacterial playground temp. This is no different than having coffee and cookies, just more courageous.”

Opinions among staff are split. One funeral assistant reported receiving a heartfelt thank you from a widower who said, “Honestly, this is exactly what she would’ve wanted. She loved two things: her family and extra gravy.” Another staff member claimed a family tried to dip a dinner roll directly into the cascade during the committal prayer.

After the inspection, Maple Oaks agreed to move the fountain from the front of the chapel to the multipurpose room, where it now shares space with the urn display and a Keurig. The compromise has done little to quiet debate.

“Look, if they tell us it is out, we will pivot,” Morrow said. “We have concepts ready for a Pumpkin Spice Memory Fog Machine and a Thankfulness Charcuterie of Life board. But I’ll tell you this. For three glorious days, we were the only funeral home in the state where you could pay respects and top off your mashed potatoes without breaking stride. If that is wrong, I do not want to be right.”

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
“Hey Funeral Dude, I’ve gotten the first call for 3 out of 5 of the past Thanksgivings. My kids are SUPER young. How do I enjoy family time while knowing Mr.Johnson may be eating his last turkey leg and needing my help for eternal departure at any moment?” -Mr.awayfortheholidays

Answer:
Yeah, the age-old work-life balance. This is a tricky one. But the solution can be found, see A.I. is getting really good. So, I would invite your families to record as many videos as possible while you’re gone. Then wait about two years, and there should be easy technology for you to insert yourself in that video with AI. So sure you’ll miss it for a moment, but when your kids and grandkids look at it, it’ll be like you never left. Shoot, make it really magical- add in your favorite celebrities.

“Hey, kids, you remember the Thanksgiving where Theo Von came over to pass the old pigskin around?”

They won’t know the difference. And if you’ll just fry your brain with formaldehyde, constant doom-scrolling, and terrible sleeping habits, you might start to believe them yourselves.

So yeah, just take the call and get the cameras rolling!

Remember- when you don’t know what to do- ask the funeral dude.

EXPLODING TURKEYS!

One of my favorite hobbies every Thanksgiving is watching fire departments make miniature bombs by throwing frozen turkeys into deep fryers. So, per tradition- I’m showing one of my favorites to you! Happy Thanksgiving!

Easter Spectacular | FFFW 233

Happy Easter! I know you wanna get right to your weekend, so we’ll keep this FFFW short and sweet!

“The announcement that Facebook will delete live streams older than 30 days reveals a critical disconnect between platform policies and the reality of grief. Grief doesn’t follow a 30-day timeline. Our data shows 30% of funeral viewings happen after that 30-day window. For an average funeral home, that’s over 2,500 families annually who will seek comfort in a service recording only to find it gone. This should serve as a wake-up call for funeral professionals to invest in solutions where they maintain ownership and control of their content, rather than entrusting these precious memories to platforms with competing priorities.” – Shane White, CTO of MemoryShare

MemoryShare is here to help.

Funeral homes affected by these changes can schedule a call with MemoryShare to receive 3 months of unlimited streaming and recording. Their team will handle all training, transfer your existing videos, and provide a complimentary 20-minute training session for your staff. MemoryShare is committed to funeral homes and ensuring a smooth transition with zero disruption for the families you serve.

Call 469-983-4832 to learn more and meet with a MemoryShare professional who will guide you through the process. Mention Disrupt/Connecting Directors to claim a bonus gift!

Local Funeral Director Comes Up With Easter Joke. The Whole Team’s Heard It Several Times.

AKRON, OH — Sources at Willow & Fern Mortuary confirmed Thursday that longtime funeral director Gary Helm has come up with a seasonal Easter joke. He has now told it five times in two days, each time with the same level of confidence and expectation that it is both original and hilarious.

The joke, which includes the line “Guess I better hop to it—those urns won’t fill themselves!” has reportedly been delivered in the break room, the casket showroom, and twice while exiting the restroom.

“He pauses before he says it. Like he’s teeing up Fallon,” said apprentice director Melissa Ng, who heard the joke during Tuesday’s lunch and again at 8:12 a.m. Wednesday.

“He makes this little eyebrow raise. Like he knows it’s coming. And we know it’s coming. But it still happens.”

Staff members say Helm tends to repeat seasonal jokes for several days at a time before quietly retiring them. Last year’s “pastel and mortem” pun had a three-day run and was eventually printed on a banner for the office fish fry.

When asked if he plans to debut any new material, Helm said he’s “workshopping something about Peeps and pre-needs,” adding, “You know, like ‘you can’t take it with you, but you can take a Peep at your options!’”

At press time, no one laughed, and someone quietly turned on the embalming pump to drown it out.

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

Dire Wolves have become un-extinct. How many dire wolves would it take to equal the average weight of a full copper casket and adult decedent?

Answer Choices:
A) 1
B) 2
C) 3

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1.  Unique Program Recycles Pacemakers Retrieved from the Deceased
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones