Local Funeral Home Replaces First Call Team With F1 Pit Crew

Welcome to July! We are over halfway through the year, and it keeps on flying by! Hope you had a happy 4th of July, and I hope you got to see some amazing fireworks. I’ve also heard that pacemakers blowing up during cremation sound very similar to fireworks- soooooo I hope you never really do hear that.

Let’s kick off this month with a non-medicial-device-related BANG! And by that I mean a really koala GIF.

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

MemoryShare, the #1 Live Streaming software for funeral homes, has announced a new monthly newsletter.

“The Memo” is for funeral directors to stay updated on the latest tools, pro-tips, video tricks, and technology op-eds in the funeral profession. Subscribers will get exclusive access to early offers, discounts, and feature releases.

To subscribe to The Memo, click the button below.

[Subscribe Now]

Local Funeral Home Replaces First Call Team With F1 Pit Crew- Casket Now Loaded Before Death Confirmed

“We watched the Brad Pitt F1 movie and thought, why not us?” says director.

Inspired by the high-octane drama of the new Brad Pitt Formula 1 movie, Everpeace Funeral Home has overhauled its removal process—replacing their first call team with a full F1 pit crew. The results have been immediate, loud, and occasionally premature.

“Our staff watched that trailer and got chills,” said funeral director Dan Forbes. “The speed. The precision. The sunglasses. We said, ‘Let’s bring that energy to elder care death calls.’ Now we’re running a sub-three-second removal time from kitchen to van.”

Eyewitnesses describe the scene as a blur: van doors fly open, gloves snap on in unison, the cot hits the floor with a hiss of compressed air, and in at least one case, a casket was halfway to the funeral home before the attending nurse finished saying “we lost him.”

“It seems unnecessary,” said hospice RN Tanya Willis. “They just shouted ‘Box, box, box!’ and wheeled the guy out.”

Despite criticism, the staff is unapologetic.

“We’re not just honoring the deceased,” said Enzo, a former Ferrari tire tech now tasked with foot-end lift duty. “We’re honoring the thrill of life.”

“Life isn’t a highway- life is 78 laps around Monaco. Brad Pitt showed me what it really means to live, and I want to bring THAT to the dead!” exclaimed Mr.Forbes.

The funeral home has also debuted new uniforms, complete with sponsor patches, full-face helmets, and one very confused intern acting as the team radio. Family members have been asked to remain behind the yellow line during pickups.

Their head of finances isn’t as enthusiastic about the recent hires. “We’ll be bankrupt in a matter of weeks. I’m already applying to several other businesses.”

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

What is the fastest recorded speed achieved by a hearse?

Answer Choices:

A) 115.6 mph – Australia

B) 98 mph – “Undead” Cadillac custom in Tennessee

C) 126.6 mph – Motorcycle hearse

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1.  Unique Program Recycles Pacemakers Retrieved from the Deceased
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones

Heat Wave Replaces Crematory | FFFW 242

I think we’re nearing the end of this heatwave, and that’s plenty of reason to celebrate – so celebrate we shall. Also, this is the last Friday of June and next week is the 4th of July! One of the greatest holidays lands on a Friday this year?!?! That’s Incredible!

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

MemoryShare, the #1 Live Streaming software for funeral homes, has announced a new monthly newsletter.

“The Memo” is for funeral directors to stay updated on the latest tools, pro-tips, video tricks, and technology op-eds in the funeral profession. Subscribers will get exclusive access to early offers, discounts, and feature releases.

To subscribe to The Memo, click the button below.

[Subscribe Now]

Cremation Chamber Refuses to Fire Up, Says, “Honestly? The Sun’s Got This One”

NASHVILLE, TN — With Middle Tennessee temperatures reaching a soul-evaporating 109 degrees this week and humidity levels described by meteorologists as “suffocating at best,” local cremation equipment is staging what appears to be a full-on mutiny.

“Our retort just sat there blinking like, ‘Y’all serious right now?’” said Jeremy Polk, lead operator at Smoky Hollow Crematory just outside Hendersonville. “It hit 1,400 degrees in the chamber—and we hadn’t even pressed start. That’s just solar.”

“We tried troubleshooting,” said funeral director Sarah Wayne. “Rebooted the system, checked the gas lines, even sweet-talked her with a Bluetooth speaker and some Vince Gill. Nothing. She just kept humming and pointing toward the sun.”

New “eco-cremation” protocols are now being tested, which include placing decedents under a pop-up canopy and letting the Tennessee sun do what it does best—slow-roast everything in sight. While not yet legally recognized, Polk says it’s “basically nature’s retort, just slower and with more cicadas.”

Local families are reportedly understanding. “Pawpaw loved two things: country ham and the Volunteer State,” said Madison County resident Elaine Trotter. “Honestly, getting slow-cooked outside behind a church feels kind of right.”

Meanwhile, OSHA has issued an official warning to crematory workers to avoid licking metal trays, standing on blacktop longer than 6 seconds, and emotionally bonding with the walk-in cooler.

At press time, Big Bertha had submitted a vacation request to relocate to Gatlinburg and “maybe just be a pizza oven for a bit.”

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

How many human remains are interred at the Catacombs of Paris?

Answer Choices:

A) 600,000

B) 1 million

C) Over 6 million

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1.  Unique Program Recycles Pacemakers Retrieved from the Deceased
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones