Funeral Home Keurig Finally Retires | FFFW 241

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Funeral Home Keurig Finally Retires After Brewing 11,000 Cups and Seeing Too Much

FINDLAY, OH — After nearly a decade of loyal service and 11,000 cups of “whatever was on sale at Sam’s Club,” the Keurig machine in the breakroom of Wilkins & Sons Funeral Home has officially been retired. Staff say the decision was long overdue, as the machine had started making “haunted noises” and visibly shaking anytime someone selected French Roast.

“It just wasn’t the same after the crematory guy tried to run instant oatmeal through it,” said front desk coordinator Cheryl Nunez. “You could taste the trauma.”

The Keurig, affectionately referred to by staff as “Old Drip,” was first installed in 2015 and has been silently observing everything from tense family meetings to awkward intern interviews. Sources say the machine once overheard an entire family dispute about urn colors and hasn’t frothed correctly since.

“It brewed through COVID. It brewed through double-booked services. It brewed through the time the embalmer brought his new date to the holiday potluck,” said funeral director Pete Wilkins. “Frankly, it’s seen more than most therapists.”

Though many had grown attached, the funeral home made the tough call after the machine started displaying cryptic messages like “HELP ME” and “TOO MANY TEARS” on its digital screen.

It will be replaced by a newer model with Bluetooth connectivity, recyclable pods, and no emotional baggage.

A quiet, pre-dawn unplugging ceremony was held Thursday morning. Staff left a single powdered creamer on top as a tribute.

“We’ll miss the way it screamed during brew cycle,” said Cheryl, holding back a tear. “It sounded… like us.”

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

How many standard adult caskets could you theoretically fit inside the Louisiana Superdome?

A. About 73,000

B. Around 750,000

C. Roughly 4,000,000

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1.  Unique Program Recycles Pacemakers Retrieved from the Deceased
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones

3 Senators Are Finally Addressing the 70-Year-Old $255 Social Security Death Benefit

Deathcare may be a traditional profession that’s said to be slow to change, but it’s nothing compared to the decrepit pace of the Social Security death benefit. The $255 lump-sum amount that was instituted in 1954 has not budged despite rising funeral costs. Adjusted for inflation, that $255 should be around $2,900 — and that’s exactly the amount some senators hope to begin awarding if their new bill passes.

Keeping pace

Last week, Vermont Senator Peter Welch introduced the Social Security Survivor Benefits Equity Act, a bill that would raise the lump-sum death benefit to $2,900 to reflect today’s cost of living. Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders and Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren co-sponsored the bill.

“Funeral costs should be the last thing on the minds of grieving families when they lose a loved one,” Welch said, according to one NBC outlet. “But because benefits designed to help folks afford funeral expenses haven’t kept pace with inflation, the cost of burying a loved one has become top of mind for many mourning families.”

When the $255 amount was set in 1954, the average cost of a funeral was roughly $700, so the $255 payment to a qualified spouse or child made a fairly significant dent in the price. However, as prices steadily increased over the next seven decades, $255 made less and less of an impact.

Other Social Security benefits have done a better job of keeping up with the times. The cost of living benefit, for example, has used the Consumer Price Index for Urban Wage Earners and Clerical Workers to “ensure the benefit captures true fiscal realities,” according to the Act’s one-pager, which proposes this index be used to incrementally increase the death benefit as well.

Although the Social Security Survivor Benefits Equity Act is endorsed by Social Security Works, a nonprofit that lobbies for Social Security reform. 

Historically low

According to the Social Security Administration’s historian, the lump-sum death benefit was introduced in 1935 and awarded survivors 3.5% of the deceased’s eligible earnings, which were capped at $3,000. In 1939, the average lump-sum payout was $96.

Monthly survivor benefit payments were implemented in 1940, so the earnings-based lump-sum benefit was discontinued. It was replaced by a payment calculated as six times the deceased’s monthly Social Security retirement benefit. In 1940, the lump-sum benefit ranged from $63 to $273. A 1950 amendment reduced the calculation from six times the retirement benefit to three times, resulting in an average payout of $147. 

Finally, in 1954, the $255 lump-sum amount was set as a maximum payout, although some workers could receive less if they earned less in retirement payments. A 1981 amendment basically set the benefit at $255 or three times the average retirement benefit, whichever is less, which meant virtually every eligible worker would receive the lesser $255.

If the Social Security Survivor Benefits Equity Act passes, it would be enacted sometime in 2025.