Christmas Spectacular | FFFW 262

Guys! It is here! This is our last issue before Christmas. You know how much I love this week and we are starting the celebration now!

DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS: 6
DAYS TIL NEW YEAR’S: 13
DAYS TIL THE BIG GAME: 51

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Ghost of Christmas Future Presents 2026 Forecast; Staff Begs Him to Stop

Mild Oaks Memorial Chapel got an uninvited visitor this week when the Ghost of Christmas Future appeared in the arrangement office at 7:02 a.m. and asked, politely, if they had a chair that didn’t squeak “like regret.” Staff assumed it was a new consultant until he raised one bony hand and the wall filled with a glowing list titled POTENTIAL 2026 FIRST CALLS.

“At first I thought it was like, general trends,” said office manager Paula Knox. “Seasonality. Flu season. Normal stuff. Then he clicked to the next slide and it was just names. Not full names, but enough. ‘Gary. 64. Loves smoked meats.’ That’s not a trend. That’s a person.”

The ghost, described by witnesses as “all black cloak, no small talk,” paced slowly as if giving a lunch-and-learn. He pointed out neighborhoods, common hobbies, and “high likelihood family dynamics,” then suggested the funeral home “tighten up their pre-need funnel” because, as he put it, “your future clientele is currently scrolling and feeling invincible.” When a funeral director asked how he got the information, the ghost turned toward him and the room temperature dropped three degrees.

That’s when the owner, pale and sweating, finally managed the only ethical question anyone had left. “Are these the things that are to come,” he whispered, “or are they things that may be, only?”

The Ghost of Christmas Future paused. “Could be,” he said, nodding gravely. “Could be. But you all keep acting like pre-need is hypothetical. I’m here to remind you it’s not. Now would you like to see the slide called ‘People Who Will Google You at 2:11 a.m. and Leave Because Your Website Still Has a Fax Number’?”Staff begged him to stop. The ghost did not stop. He simply clicked to the next page, where a single sentence appeared in icy letters: Do not turn prophecy into a mailing list. Then, quietly, he wrote “ASK FOR THE APPOINTMENT” on the whiteboard, underlined it once, and vanished, leaving behind only a lingering chill and a printer that somehow started working again.

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
“Hey Funeral Dude, families have brought us so much food during the holidays that our breakroom looks like a church potluck that lost control. What’s the polite, professional way to accept it without becoming 40% cookie by Christmas Eve?”

— Stuffed on First Call

Answer:
Christmas, though a holy and joyful time, is also often plagued with gluttony. And in a funeral home, people love you and they express that love in food. Unfortunately, what you’re gonna have to do is guilt one of your employees into taking it all home. I recommend the following lines to get it out of your workplace and into someone else’s house to be their temptation.

• “Hey, you’ve got kids right? They’ll crush this in like… ten minutes.”
• “This needs a loving home, and I’m simply not strong enough.”
• “Doctor’s orders. I can’t be within 15 feet of fudge.”
• “I’m pretty sure OSHA has a maximum cookie limit for breakrooms.”
• “If this stays here, I’m going to start billing myself for ‘aftercare.’”
• “We’ve officially entered Phase Two: The Ham Era. Someone has to take the ham.”
• “I’m not saying you have to take it… I’m just saying the Lord is watching.”
• “We can’t keep stacking casseroles in the fridge like we’re playing Jenga with dairy.”
• “This pie is a family heirloom now. I’m passing it down to you.”
• “I would take it home, but my pantry is already under investigation.”
• “If you leave right now with that tray, I will personally call you ‘a team player’ in the group chat.”
• “Please. I’m one cinnamon roll away from needing an XL suit jacket.”
• “This isn’t food anymore. This is a morale hazard.”
• “Take it before the embalmer sees it and starts calling it ‘lunch.’”
• “We’re a funeral home, not a buffet. Although… lately it’s been close.”

And if they still refuse, you have one final, nuclear option:

• “Okay. Then I’m putting your name on it in Sharpie and telling everyone you asked for it.”

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1. This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones

“I Don’t Wanna Make Toys, I Wanna Make Arrangements” Says Elf | FFFW 261

Christmas is so close! We are less than two weeks away. The timing of Christmas always feels odd, right? Like, most of the year it feels so far away- but then around September you think “it’s right around the corner” and then a couple weeks go by, and you’re like “nah, this still feels pretty far away.” And then you blink, and it’s Thanksgiving, and then you go to bed, and you wake up, and it’s Christmas. It’s always too far away, or coming too soon. Maybe that’s true of all great things.

DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS: 13
DAYS TIL NEW YEAR’S: 20
DAYS TIL THE BIG GAME: 58

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

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“The Memo” is for funeral directors to stay updated on the latest tools, pro-tips, video tricks, and technology op-eds in the funeral profession. Subscribers will get exclusive access to early offers, discounts, and feature releases.

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Elf Tells Santa “I Don’t Want to Make Dolls, I Want to Make Arrangements”

Earlier this week, Jibbles announced that he didn’t want to make toys anymore. Instead, he wants to be a funeral director.

“We can’t pretend that death doesn’t happen anymore,” Jibbles said, standing in the breakroom like it was an arrangement office. “I have no clue what we’ve been doing with the bodies. We have 10,000 elves here at the plant. Even though we live a long time, we don’t actually live forever. Somebody needs a plan that is not ‘just keep smiling and add more tinsel.’”

According to sources, Jibbles arrived the next morning wearing a black suit and a name badge that said “Family Care Specialist,” despite nobody giving it to him. He reportedly set up a little table outside Santa’s office with a stack of General Price Lists, a laminated merchandise catalog, and a sign that read, “Two minutes with Jibbles can save your family thirty minutes of awkward guessing later.” When asked where he got the casket book, Jibbles said, “If you can order 80,000 drones in one night, you can order one tasteful selection of oak.”

Santa attempted to shut the whole thing down by insisting, “We do celebrations of life here, not funerals,” but Jibbles countered that that was exactly his point. “We already do the visitation,” he said. “Everyone lines up. They cry. They tell stories. Somebody gets too close to the cookie tray and has to be redirected. The only difference is we call it ‘Christmas Eve’ instead of ‘Wednesday from 4 to 7.’”

Mrs. Claus, who staff confirm quietly runs the North Pole like an office manager with a candy cane in her hair, was less amused. “If he says the words ‘pre need’ one more time in my hallway, I’m locking the copier,” she said. “Also, he keeps telling people he can ‘get them on the schedule’ like he has access to my calendar. He does not.”

At press time, Jibbles had been assigned to “seasonal reception” as a compromise, answering calls with, “North Pole, this is Jibbles, I’m sorry for your loss, how may I help?” before transferring every caller to Santa’s personal line “because the owner should really be the one doing arrangements.” Santa was last seen staring at the phone and whispering, “We said it was quiet. We said it out loud.”

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
Hey Funeral Dude,

My owner keeps telling me to “just be more approachable,” so I smiled at a family during arrangements and now they think I’m their new best friend. They’re texting me updates like I’m the grief group chat leader. How do I be kind without accidentally becoming part of the family Christmas card shoot list?

Signed,
Too Friendly, Too Fast

Answer:
Yes, this is the classic, “I’m they’re best friend- they are not my best friend” scenario. It’s a tuffy to get out of- but by following the next steps, you can make it happen.

1) Wait a LONG time to respond to messages. This starts to convey the idea.

2) Tell them you’re going to rehab. This will buy you at least six weeks of peace.
3) If those two don’t give you enough distance, accidentally call them the wrong name. This will be extremely disrespectful, but you can play it off with “Oh, I’m just close to so many families. This happens.”

That’ll make them realize you have stuff to do.

And remember- anytime you don’t know what to do- reach out to the funeral dude.

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1. This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones

Welcome to December | FFFW 259

Welcome to December! I forgot to get our holiday counter going this year- but it’s never too late to start! I know the holidays move fast, but I hope you can take a few moments to slow down and enjoy some funeral fun.

DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS: 20
DAYS TIL NEW YEAR’S: 27
DAYS TIL THE BIG GAME: 65

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

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“The Memo” is for funeral directors to stay updated on the latest tools, pro-tips, video tricks, and technology op-eds in the funeral profession. Subscribers will get exclusive access to early offers, discounts, and feature releases.

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Director Bob Smith Shocks Funeral Home Staff by Wearing Snowflake Tie

Bob Smith took his funeral home by storm when he walked in this past Monday. Mild Oaks Memorial Chapel’s secretary was especially floored.

“I was shocked to see what he was wearing. I couldn’t believe it. He doesn’t even get this wild for casual Friday.”

Mr. Smith, who has worn the same shirt and slacks every day for 35 years, had something special up his sleeve – or rather, around his neck. Gone was the “trusty” black Perry Ellis tie his wife gave him in 1990. In its place: a simple red tie with snowflakes on it, fresh from the department store.

“I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks,” said Bob.

The team later learned it was Mrs. Smith’s idea. She thought a festive tie would be a good way to boost company morale and ring in the holiday season.

Bob was hesitant at first.

“I initially thought she was taking things a little far. Normally I just add little candy canes to the snack dish to welcome a Christmas atmosphere. But I think the tie did a lot. I might make this a yearly tradition.”

Though most of the staff was enthusiastic about the decorative twist, one team member, who has worked at the business longer than anyone and wishes to remain anonymous, had concerns.

“Frankly, I’m concerned. What happened to professionalism? It starts with the tie, but what if he enjoys it too much? What if next he wants to do a staff photo where we wear those goofy Santa hats? The community might think we’re fools. I don’t like this. I don’t like this one bit.”

The rest of the team ignored the rebuke. And it does seem that tying the snowflake knot may have unwrapped some new festivities in the office. Employees have reportedly been decorating their desks, adding peppermint coffee options to the break room, and are even in talks about an ugly Christmas sweater contest.

It appears a small Christmas miracle has taken place at Mild Oaks, and Bob Smith is to thank.

“I never thought people would see this side of me. I guess behind my dignity I’m still a wild boy. Who knows what I’ll do next. I think I could get used to change. Maybe I should post something on the World Wide Web. I heard that’s the new thing.”

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
“Hey Funeral Dude, sthe women on our team want to do a pajama themed office Christmas party. None of us guys want to. How should we approach this?”

Answer:
Yes, this question goes beyond the funeral realm and into the age-old battle of men vs women. See, for some reason, women love wearing pajamas. Men on the other hand do not. Most of us don’t even own them other than our undergarments and a pair of sweatshorts we’ve had since college.

Also, men’s pajamas are flimsy and often reveal more about the human anatomy than is business appropriate, public appropriate, or even  friend group appropriate. So for all these reasons this pajama party has to be shut down immediately.

But there is another reason that trumps gender and biology. You are all adults, right? In the same way you wouldn’t have a tea party, or play whales and mermaids in the pool, you also shouldn’t be in your nightwear in public.

However, depending on your role at the funeral home- you may not have a say in the matter. So, it is up to you to have an out. Here are some ways you can get around this undignified experience

– wear a suit and say “oh, this is what I always wear.”
– claim religious exemption due to the reason of indecency (it’ll make everyone else really uncomfortable that they took part)
– wear the most unprofessional PJs you can come up with. Too short of shorts, too tight of a top, whatever you can stomach. Though you will have to live with it this one time, it almost certainly bans the whole activity moving forward.

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1. This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones

Thanksgiving Spectacular | FFFW 259

Y’all, this is the final Friday before Thanksgiving, which means it’s our FFFW Thanksgiving special!! So, let’s start talking politics and overcooking the turkey to get in the right mood.

Here’s my first pondering for the season- do we save all the orange colored foods for Thanksgiving? Pumpkin, sweet potatoes, glazed carrots. I think 95% of the orange colored food I eat a year is just for Thanksgiving. Riddle me that!

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

New monthly newsletter!

“The Memo” is for funeral directors to stay updated on the latest tools, pro-tips, video tricks, and technology op-eds in the funeral profession. Subscribers will get exclusive access to early offers, discounts, and feature releases.

To subscribe to The Memo, click the button below.

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Funeral Home’s “Gravy Fountain” Centerpiece Deemed “Festive but Concerning” by State Inspector

Maple Oaks Funeral Home’s attempt to lean into the season hit a snag this week when their new three tier stainless steel gravy fountain (installed as a Thanksgiving themed chapel centerpiece) prompted both compliments from families and a strongly worded note from the state inspector.

The fountain, which continuously circulates 1.5 gallons of turkey gravy over an arrangement of faux fall leaves and votive candles, debuted at Monday’s visitation. Families described it as “oddly comforting” and “like Golden Corral for grief.” The state inspector, however, reportedly called it “the first time I’ve ever had to ask if meat drippings are part of the decor or a spill.”

“It’s hospitality,” said funeral director Trent Morrow, gesturing proudly to the softly burbling stream of gravy flowing beside the register stand. “People bring casseroles, pies, Aunt Linda’s questionable Jell O salad. We just thought, why not provide the one thing everyone wishes they had more of: gravy? It’s about service.”

Prep room manager Paula, who has spent the week mopping, was less enthusiastic. “I walked out of the prep room and thought someone had embalmed a turkey,” she said. “We’ve got toddlers double fisting dinner rolls, adults trying to just get a little more on this side, and a carpet that now has a permanent au jus sheen. The slip hazards alone are a sermon illustration.”

The state inspector’s report allegedly listed the fountain under “Miscellaneous Concerns,” including:

• Open, communal meat based liquid source within 10 feet of the casket
• Repeated contact between ladles and mourners’ emotional support mashed potatoes
• Unclear if this is a buffet accessory or ritual object

Morrow insists they are in full compliance. “There’s a sneeze guard,” he said. “We even warmed the gravy to comfort food temp, not bacterial playground temp. This is no different than having coffee and cookies, just more courageous.”

Opinions among staff are split. One funeral assistant reported receiving a heartfelt thank you from a widower who said, “Honestly, this is exactly what she would’ve wanted. She loved two things: her family and extra gravy.” Another staff member claimed a family tried to dip a dinner roll directly into the cascade during the committal prayer.

After the inspection, Maple Oaks agreed to move the fountain from the front of the chapel to the multipurpose room, where it now shares space with the urn display and a Keurig. The compromise has done little to quiet debate.

“Look, if they tell us it is out, we will pivot,” Morrow said. “We have concepts ready for a Pumpkin Spice Memory Fog Machine and a Thankfulness Charcuterie of Life board. But I’ll tell you this. For three glorious days, we were the only funeral home in the state where you could pay respects and top off your mashed potatoes without breaking stride. If that is wrong, I do not want to be right.”

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
“Hey Funeral Dude, I’ve gotten the first call for 3 out of 5 of the past Thanksgivings. My kids are SUPER young. How do I enjoy family time while knowing Mr.Johnson may be eating his last turkey leg and needing my help for eternal departure at any moment?” -Mr.awayfortheholidays

Answer:
Yeah, the age-old work-life balance. This is a tricky one. But the solution can be found, see A.I. is getting really good. So, I would invite your families to record as many videos as possible while you’re gone. Then wait about two years, and there should be easy technology for you to insert yourself in that video with AI. So sure you’ll miss it for a moment, but when your kids and grandkids look at it, it’ll be like you never left. Shoot, make it really magical- add in your favorite celebrities.

“Hey, kids, you remember the Thanksgiving where Theo Von came over to pass the old pigskin around?”

They won’t know the difference. And if you’ll just fry your brain with formaldehyde, constant doom-scrolling, and terrible sleeping habits, you might start to believe them yourselves.

So yeah, just take the call and get the cameras rolling!

Remember- when you don’t know what to do- ask the funeral dude.

EXPLODING TURKEYS!

One of my favorite hobbies every Thanksgiving is watching fire departments make miniature bombs by throwing frozen turkeys into deep fryers. So, per tradition- I’m showing one of my favorites to you! Happy Thanksgiving!

Christmas Music Before Thanksgiving? | FFFW 258

We are halfway through one of THE greatest months of the year. I’m personally already getting into the Christmas spirit. The house is decorated, the songs are being played, and a possessed Elf on the Shelf named Chugs has worked its way into my home somehow.

So I’m loving all of it except for that.

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

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“The Memo” is for funeral directors to stay updated on the latest tools, pro-tips, video tricks, and technology op-eds in the funeral profession. Subscribers will get exclusive access to early offers, discounts, and feature releases.

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Funeral Home Staff Divided Over Pre-Thanksgiving Christmas Music, Morale Drops to “Silent Night” Levels

What started as a simple Spotify shuffle in the funeral home office has escalated into a full-scale seasonal cold war. On November 7, receptionist Kelsey quietly switched the lobby playlist from “Relaxing Piano” to “Holiday Favorites,” and by the first chorus of All I Want for Christmas Is You, the building had split into two factions: Team Festive and Team “It’s Still Fall, You Monsters.”

“I just think it helps families feel a little warmth,” said Kelsey, turning the volume up one notch every time someone walked through the door. “It’s comforting. It’s nostalgic. Also, if I have to listen to that same instrumental hymn playlist for one more eight-hour shift, I will personally climb into the casket display.”

Not everyone agreed. “We haven’t even ordered the turkeys for the staff potluck,” grumbled lead funeral director Mark, who believes any jingle bells before Thanksgiving are “an act of aggression.” Mark has taken to dramatically changing the music back to “Peaceful Acoustic” and announcing, “We are a Thanksgiving-first establishment,” as if issuing a policy update from corporate.

The conflict has since spread beyond the Bluetooth speaker. One removal tech started keeping a running tally on the whiteboard: “Days We’ve Gone Without Mariah Carey: 0.” An arranger tried to compromise with “non-lyrical winter jazz,” but both sides rejected it as “toothless” and “music they’d play while putting a mall Santa in state.”

Ownership has so far refused to take an official stance. “As long as the families are served and the phones get answered, I don’t care if you play Christmas carols or whale sounds,” said the owner. “But if one more person emails me a link to an article about ‘the psychological impact of premature holiday music,’ I’m unplugging the router and we’re going back to CDs.”

For now, the uneasy truce is simple: no Christmas music in the lobby until after Thanksgiving, but the back office is considered international waters. As of this morning, you can walk down the hall and hear “Great Is Thy Faithfulness” lightly blending into “Feliz Navidad” behind a closed door—proof that in funeral service, coexistence is possible, even if it’s in two different playlists.

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
“Hey Funeral Dude, is there a polite script for telling a pastor, ‘Your sermon is now longer than the deceased’s entire lifespan,’ or do we just keep resetting the chapel lights until they get the hint?” -Mr.Ain’tgotenoughtimeforthat

Answer:
Great question. You really need to ask about the pastors denomination before the service starts. If they are Pentecostal, you may need to stage a fire drill to get the sermon to end on time, if they are Baptist, you need to tell them the food will be cold if they go too long, and if they’re non-denominational, tell them that there’s a great sale on LED stage lights at the time you want them to end. Each of these will cause a service to move along appropriately.

Remember- when you don’t know what to do- ask the funeral dude.

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

How much did Michael Jackson’s solid bronze, velvet-lined casket reportedly cost?

A. $10,000
B. $30,000
C. $50,000

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1. This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones

Mustache Causes Embalming Disaster | FFFW 257

Y’all, we have reached one of the greatest months of the year! November has it all: great weather, great food, and a top 5 holiday! What more can you ask for?

So, we have plenty of reasons to celebrate, and we’re going to get going on that.

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

New monthly newsletter!

“The Memo” is for funeral directors to stay updated on the latest tools, pro-tips, video tricks, and technology op-eds in the funeral profession. Subscribers will get exclusive access to early offers, discounts, and feature releases.

To subscribe to The Memo, click the button below.

[Subscribe Now]

Ask the Funeral Dude!

Question:
“We said ‘casual attire.’ Half the chapel heard ‘NFL tailgate.’ Is there a nice way to steer dress code after invites go out?” — Paula, IL

Answer:
Here’s the deal: you have to realize that you live in an area where “dressing up” probably means wearing an American Eagle polo and khaki shorts. Honestly, you’re lucky they didn’t pull up in sweatpants and heydudes. I would say count yourself as lucky and just require ties at any event you don’t want to be a redneck spectacle.

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

The Civil War’s most famous embalmer, Dr. Thomas Holmes, claimed he embalmed about how many bodies?

A) 400
B) 4,000
C) 40,000

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1. This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones

NFDA Chicago Special! | FFFW 255

We have arrived. It’s now time for the big weekend. And I’m not talking about the MLB World Series- I’m talking about our World Series- NFDA.

This is also kind of the end of the year for us. If I’ve learned one thing about the Funeral profession, it’s that the year starts in January and ends with NFDA, and the time in between is the “next year” season. The season where the answer to every problem is “we’ll focus on that next year.” Wildly, that “next year” never really seems to come. Thus, the wild amount of 90s wallpaper covering the funeral homes across North America.

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

New monthly newsletter!

“The Memo” is for funeral directors to stay updated on the latest tools, pro-tips, video tricks, and technology op-eds in the funeral profession. Subscribers will get exclusive access to early offers, discounts, and feature releases.

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Funeral Director at NFDA Makes “How ’Bout Dem Bears?” His Whole Personality

McCormick Place attendees report that visiting funeral director Evan Clark has adopted a single, city-specific remark—“How ’bout dem Bears?”—as his entire understanding of Chicago, deploying it as a greeting, joke, segue, and exit line across the NFDA schedule. He opened with it at badge pickup, repeated it at the Welcome Reception, and tried a slower, reverent version during a CE session on HIPAA-compliant texting, as if it were a benediction. On the expo floor he used it to bridge every product category: cremation equipment (“How ’bout dem Bears?”), software (“CSV exports—nice. How ’bout dem Bears?”), and caskets (“Do you have anything in… Bears?” followed by, “Chicago.”).

By Tuesday, coworkers had developed a working translation: “How ’bout dem Bears?” = hello/I acknowledge we are in Chicago; “How ’bout dem Bears!” = I would like to end this conversation; “How… ’bout… dem Bears?” = I am lost in Hall F but proud. At press time, Clark posed at the NFDA photo backdrop, told the photographer to “make it very Chicago,” delivered his line with the gravity of a eulogy, and considered the matter settled.

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

When Lincoln’s funeral train stopped in Chicago (May 1, 1865), about how many people filed past the coffin per hour?

A. 700
B. 7,000
C. 70,000

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1. This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones

Embalmer Can’t See Colors? | FFFW 254

Welcome back to issue 254 of the FFFW. Every once in a while, I like to remind people what “FFFW” stands for. Believe it or not, it doesn’t stand for “Formaldehyde-Fueled Fun Weekly,” and it also doesn’t stand for “Funeral Folks Feeling Wacky.” Oh yeah- it also doesn’t stand for “First Call? Fantastic! Wait…”

What it does stand for is “Friday Funeral Fast Wrap.” For 254 weeks, our goal has been to deliver a quick, little weekend snack of an email to your inbox each Friday. Why? Because Fridays are awesome and we want to be a part of that!

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

New monthly newsletter!

“The Memo” is for funeral directors to stay updated on the latest tools, pro-tips, video tricks, and technology op-eds in the funeral profession. Subscribers will get exclusive access to early offers, discounts, and feature releases.

To subscribe to The Memo, click the button below.

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Embalmer Claims New Suit Is “Charcoal”; Entire Staff Votes “Blue”

RIVER OAKS, OH—The day began with a simple compliment: “Nice blue jacket,” a coworker told embalmer Derek Walsh as he hung up his coat. “It’s charcoal,” Walsh replied, already rolling his sleeve under the breakroom light.

Determined to prove it, Walsh conducted a building-wide survey: prep room bars, chapel dimmer, copier lamp, even “natural light” by the loading bay. Every single respondent: blue. “Midnight Graphite is a shade of gray,” he said, brandishing the inner tag like a court exhibit. “The cameras here just push cyan.”

By late afternoon, Walsh delivered his final finding. “Everyone’s wrong,” he announced, rehanging the jacket with forensic care. “Under neutral conditions, it reads gray. The lighting here is dramatic—that’s what’s blue.” He then nodded at his reflection and added, “Great charcoal, though.”

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

If you filled an average NFL stadium with the number of U.S. deaths in a year, about how many full stadiums would you need?

A. 34

B. 44

C. 54

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1. This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones

FUNERAL HOME GROUP CHAT EXPOSED | FFFW 253

I’ve been crushing everything pumpkin and pumpkin spice. I know it’s a little early for it, but I’ve always been a fan of “the early bird gets the worm.” In this case, I’m the bird, and the worm is all the pumpkin goodness being offered up at every store and restaurant. See, I’m new to the game- I grew up a pumpkin hater. Now I’ve been converted and I’m making the most of it.

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

New monthly newsletter!

“The Memo” is for funeral directors to stay updated on the latest tools, pro-tips, video tricks, and technology op-eds in the funeral profession. Subscribers will get exclusive access to early offers, discounts, and feature releases.

To subscribe to The Memo, click the button below.

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Funeral Home Staff Group Text Officially Declared ‘Evidence Exhibit A’ in HR Investigation

MAPLE RIDGE, OH — What began as a casual text about Friday’s lunch order has now escalated into a full-scale HR investigation, as the Remembrance Ridge Funeral Home Staff Group Chat was officially entered into evidence this week.

Every single employee except HR and the owner was part of the chat — a digital ecosystem where gallows humor, venting, and logistical chaos coexisted in what one staffer called “a sacred space.”

“It started out for work stuff,” said office manager Paula Knox. “Coordinating flower deliveries, late arrivals, that kind of thing. Then someone sent a meme. Then came the gossip. Then came the chaos. At one point we were solving scheduling issues, planning a baby shower, and staging a full-scale emotional breakdown in the same thread. That’s not toxic — that’s community.”

The chat, originally titled “Team Vibes 💀☕”, was later renamed “Don’t Show Denise (Seriously)” — a name investigators have since described as “unhelpfully transparent.”

The downfall reportedly began when embalmer Greg Thomas roasted co-worker Brian Ellis for his “inspirational quote emails.” In retaliation, Ellis allegedly forwarded the chat to HR “to clear the air,” though multiple staff members insist he was just mad someone finally told him to stop signing messages with “Best in Eternal Rest.”

“Brian’s the kind of guy who can dish it out, but the moment someone calls him ‘The Pre-Need Poet,’ suddenly we’ve got an ethics meeting,” said Knox.

When asked to comment, Thomas defended the chat’s content. “Hey, I think you’re trying really hard not to see how funny this is,” he said. “Like objectively, this is good material. There’s structure. There’s heart. There’s one-liners that could headline a CE conference.”

HR representative Denise Warren — one of only two employees not in the group — confirmed she’s “reviewing messages line by line,” but admitted she “had to take a break around the part where they renamed the Keurig ‘The Eternal Flame.’”As of press time, the staff had already launched a new chat titled “This Never Happened 2.0”, which participants describe as “strictly work-related,” though the pinned message reportedly reads: “If you screenshot, you’re dead to us — literally.”

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

If you lined up every hearse in active service across the U.S. bumper-to-bumper, about how far would the line stretch?

A. 75 miles
B. 150 miles
C. 300 miles

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1. This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones

Silence Training for FD’s | FFFW 251

Hey guys, we’re back with issue 251! As always, I truly can’t believe that we’ve kept this going for this long- we are quickly approaching FIVE YEARS of the FFFW. Five years is a long time for anything, but specifically for a weekly funeral satire column. So cheers to you- you’re the only reason we keep doing this! Thank you for reading week after week and enjoying this wacky little thing that happens here on Fridays!

Introducing The Memo by MemoryShare

Funeral Home Staff Unveil New “Silence Training” After Director’s Cell Phone Went Off During Eulogy

Remembrance Ridge Funeral Chapel has officially launched a new mandatory silence training program for staff after an embarrassing incident last Tuesday.

Midway through a heartfelt eulogy, the director’s phone began loudly blaring a Taylor Swift ringtone. “I told them it was ‘for research,’” said the director, “but apparently, no one believes me.”

The training now includes:

• Pocket Pat-Downs before every service.
• 30-minute Silent Staring Contests to build discipline.
• A new policy requiring all ringtones to be changed to Gregorian chant just in case.

Staff report morale is mixed. “On one hand, I don’t want to be the reason a widow hears ‘Shake It Off’ during a graveside prayer,” said intern Kyle. “On the other hand, the staring contests are brutal.”

According to insiders, the chapel is considering noise-canceling casket lids as an additional precaution.

Trivia Time

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

How many hot dogs could fit inside a standard 20-gauge steel casket?

A) About 8,000
B) Around 12,000
C) Nearly 20,000

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1. This Milford nonprofit helps families with high funeral costs
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones