New “Grief Dawg” Just a Dude Named Kyle | FFFW 240

Welcome to issue 240! We are approaching 5 years of the FFFW, which is actually insane. The first FFFW I ever wrote was at the end of September in 2020. Let’s remember, this is a weekly funeral-satire article. The concept itself is wild, and the fact that our readers have supported it for half a decade is truly remarkable. We’ll have a big celebration at the end of the summer…

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Funeral Home Introduces New Support Staff: “Grief Dawg” Is Just a Chill Guy Named Kyle

CLEVELAND, OH — In an effort to provide more “relatable” grief support, Ashwood & Sons Funeral Home has introduced a new member to their team: Grief Dawg — a laid-back 27-year-old named Kyle who “just really gets loss, man.”

Unlike traditional grief therapy dogs, Grief Dawg is not trained, certified, or even employed in the traditional sense. He simply showed up one day with a calming presence, a hooded sweatshirt, and an above-average ability to say “dang, that’s rough” at the right moments.

“Families seem to like him,” said Funeral Director Mandy Ashwood. “He doesn’t bark, shed, or need water bowls. He mostly hangs out in the lounge eating Gardetto’s and saying things like, ‘Take your time, this is a lot.’ Honestly? It works.”

Kyle’s official title is still under debate, but most staff just call him what he calls himself: “The Grief Dawg.” He clarified in his onboarding meeting (which took place on a beanbag) that he’s “not a dog-dog, but like… a dawg, you know?” His name tag just says “DAWG” in Sharpie. Compensation is informal, usually a mix of leftover funeral mints and “just good energy, man.”

“He sat with me for like 45 minutes and told me about how he went through a breakup once,” said Lisa Hammond, whose father recently passed. “It was… somehow really comforting?”

However, not all reviews are glowing. Some staff have expressed concern after Kyle was spotted skateboarding through the parking lot during a double visitation and asking if the crematory had a “chill zone.”

“He means well,” said Embalmer Jared Lutz. “But last week he tried to give a eulogy and it was just a freestyle poem that rhymed ‘heaven’ with ‘7-Eleven.’”

Still, Ashwood & Sons stands by their decision.

“There are lots of ways to grieve,” said Ashwood. “And sometimes that way is just Kyle sitting next to you, nodding, and handing you a Capri Sun.”

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

On average, how many funerals take place each day in the USA?

Answer Choices:

1. 4,400
2. 5,500
3. 6,600

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1.  Unique Program Recycles Pacemakers Retrieved from the Deceased
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones