Local Funeral Home Replaces First Call Team With F1 Pit Crew

Welcome to July! We are over halfway through the year, and it keeps on flying by! Hope you had a happy 4th of July, and I hope you got to see some amazing fireworks. I’ve also heard that pacemakers blowing up during cremation sound very similar to fireworks- soooooo I hope you never really do hear that.

Let’s kick off this month with a non-medicial-device-related BANG! And by that I mean a really koala GIF.

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Local Funeral Home Replaces First Call Team With F1 Pit Crew- Casket Now Loaded Before Death Confirmed

“We watched the Brad Pitt F1 movie and thought, why not us?” says director.

Inspired by the high-octane drama of the new Brad Pitt Formula 1 movie, Everpeace Funeral Home has overhauled its removal process—replacing their first call team with a full F1 pit crew. The results have been immediate, loud, and occasionally premature.

“Our staff watched that trailer and got chills,” said funeral director Dan Forbes. “The speed. The precision. The sunglasses. We said, ‘Let’s bring that energy to elder care death calls.’ Now we’re running a sub-three-second removal time from kitchen to van.”

Eyewitnesses describe the scene as a blur: van doors fly open, gloves snap on in unison, the cot hits the floor with a hiss of compressed air, and in at least one case, a casket was halfway to the funeral home before the attending nurse finished saying “we lost him.”

“It seems unnecessary,” said hospice RN Tanya Willis. “They just shouted ‘Box, box, box!’ and wheeled the guy out.”

Despite criticism, the staff is unapologetic.

“We’re not just honoring the deceased,” said Enzo, a former Ferrari tire tech now tasked with foot-end lift duty. “We’re honoring the thrill of life.”

“Life isn’t a highway- life is 78 laps around Monaco. Brad Pitt showed me what it really means to live, and I want to bring THAT to the dead!” exclaimed Mr.Forbes.

The funeral home has also debuted new uniforms, complete with sponsor patches, full-face helmets, and one very confused intern acting as the team radio. Family members have been asked to remain behind the yellow line during pickups.

Their head of finances isn’t as enthusiastic about the recent hires. “We’ll be bankrupt in a matter of weeks. I’m already applying to several other businesses.”

Trivia

Choose the correct answer and you’ll see a puppy. Get it wrong and you’ll see someone hurting themselves.

What is the fastest recorded speed achieved by a hearse?

Answer Choices:

A) 115.6 mph – Australia

B) 98 mph – “Undead” Cadillac custom in Tennessee

C) 126.6 mph – Motorcycle hearse

You Otter Be Proud

Here’s some good news going on in the profession.

1.  Unique Program Recycles Pacemakers Retrieved from the Deceased
2. People Magazine Covers Funeral Profession Story
3. Fifth-generation funeral director Jeff Monreal helps families grieve, celebrate loved ones