It’s hard enough growing up in today’s world. So many choices, and so many come too soon, it takes both parents focusing hard on a child’s well-being to help them navigate the 21^st century speed of life. Things our parents never expected us to have to think about at age 11 or age 15 are things they now encounter in their daily choices years sooner.

When a child experiences the loss of a parent due to their sudden passing or as the result of a lingering illness, they have a limited amount of understanding and resilience about how to be strong in the face of adversity and true pain. One of two constants in their lives that they counted on from their beginning is now, suddenly, gone, never to be seen again.

At any point in childhood, the means of coping with a parent’s death depends on three things: a) a faith structure of the family, b) the role of other adults in their lives, and c) the age that the child has to accept the parent’s passing and ability to cope.

The younger the child, the easier the acceptance comes that either Mom or Dad is not here anymore. Sometimes the loss of a parent by divorce is the same as when they pass away if that other parent is no longer going to be a part of the child’s life anymore. Until a real routine gets established, whether it is beginning at kindergarten age and ritual of daily life goes on, or whether in infancy, the absence or presence of one more person going in or out of the life pattern you know is simply a change.

As a child gets older and develops a long-term personal identification and relationship with the person named Mom and Dad and identifies with that person as “theirs,” then that serious bonding has been creating that sets up as a real loss when one of those key people in their life is gone. In fortunate situations, grandparents and aunts and uncles also play key roles in the daily presence of children’s lives to the extent that a child’s world is changed drastically or minimally.

Rationalizing the absence of a parent is a coping mechanism that children use to get through day-to-day life. Emotionally speaking, the absence of a parent is something that a primary surviving parent cannot make up for as if the loss does not seem real. However, the sincerity of love can fill the void of their loss. It’s not a matter of having to double up to make it “not matter” that the other person is not there.

In fact, it is important to acknowledge the loss to that child, from the very beginning of the time where they can understand that there is a loss. Photographs of the missing parent, with the child, help that child to know there was another person in their life who loved them very much. And to understand that the person is no longer there, not because they didn’t want to be, but instead because they could not impact their leaving, is important. The presence of other family members and extended family can also help to fill in information gaps, to teach a child how much they are indeed like that “other parent” in the way they look, or sound, or speak, or are kind, or are talented in one area or another.

In life, we all build a self-image and self-concept based on a series of benchmarks that we see and that we like about ourselves and others. We emulate the good things we see about other people, and we reject things we see that we don’t like. Each of us is an amalgamation of faith and experiences that give us a playbook of things we pick and choose for our own lives when we are of age to make those decisions.

For the sake of closure, if a child loses a parent before the age of 21, there should be a ceremony, formal or informal, in a church or in a funeral home, or offsite on family property, where tribute is paid to the life of the person who was an integral means of bringing that child into the world. Some women die in childbirth, others have chronic diseases that take them away from their family too soon, others can die in a freak accident. Here today, gone tomorrow, with no time to prepare for a loss. In any setting, studies have shown the importance of acknowledging that absence as a true loss.

Some parents choose to skip having a formal funeral because they can barely deal with the grief themselves. They don’t want to be surrounded by people who are trying to comfort them because it makes the loss all the more real to them, and that’s a pain they are not prepared to handle. If you have family members like that, it helps to encourage them to go ahead with a ceremony or service of passage, to begin closure for their child, if not for themselves. Otherwise, there is a continuing sense of “something missing” that the child cannot put their finger on, but they know they didn’t have what others did.

Especially in these days when teenagers are in school with children, who for one tragic reason or another, a parent takes their own life, and the parent who sat to their parents in school assemblies is no longer there every day—there’s a loss that a classmate can relate to with their classmate.

That same parent they may have seen on campus dropping off their classmate for eight consecutive years, that they thought they knew, generally if not well, is gone. A ceremony helps with closure, and in fact, having many children who are friends or even acquaintances of that child can bring a classmate comfort just to see. Hearing from them that they liked or cared deeply about your parent is important, as it validates that they lived.

In cases where someone was harder to get to know or more of a loner, it helps a child to hear that that child’s classmate is sorry for their loss…the life they knew, if even briefly, counted. It cannot be emphasized enough how closure is the prelude to healing when a child loses a parent. Saying that parent’s name out loud, even if preceded with Mrs. Nolan or Mr. Everly or whatever their name, brings a vivid memory back to life.

For a mature child, from high school age to full adult, one published resource is “When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults” by Edward Myers. Although the book was revised and updated as long ago as 1997, frankly, it remains one of the most logical and practical ways of identifying and coping with all of the variety of emotions and feelings that come over you when that most important person, either by omission or commission in your lifetime with them, is gone. Things left unsaid. Advice not given. Memories not shared. Wisdom not recorded. These are areas of regret that come about when the child/adult is unprepared for the parent’s imminent absence from their daily life.

If a parent is aware that their days on earth are coming to an end, one thing you can do now, today, while you are able, is to write letters, leave notes, make voice recordings, use your phone to save many videos for your loved ones to have when you are no longer here. The gifts you leave like that can be saved back for your loved ones’ special occasions, such as high school graduation, college graduation, future/ultimate weddings, birth of a child, etc. That is something that will also bring someone comfort who finds their lifetime coming to an end more quickly than they had imagined.

Remembering and acknowledging the birthday of a friend’s parent or the anniversary of their passing (at least for the first few years) is also key to helping the grieving child cope. Saying it out loud, that “this is the day” of birth or death helps cement that yes, it is real, and yes, it is sad, but yes, it means that there was an amazing, special person they knew who created a series of memories and shared experiences together with that child that can replayed in their mind. Familiarity and repetition make an impact, eventually. Time brings healing. Time brings smiles where there were once tears. And your patience and ongoing, continuing friendship to your friends who have lost parents will make a difference that only you can make.

For the companion parent, there will eventually be a time when their life and daily routine will change. The process of possibly introducing a second parental figure into a marriage will happen and as long as the child knows that their birth parent will always be remembered and regarded will help ease the pain of what they can easily misconstrue as “taking mom’s or dad’s place,” when in fact no one can take the place of a person you loved who has died. You can add someone into your heart, but no one takes that other person’s place—ever. It takes time and experience to understand that, of course. We all do the best we can when there is a loss. The best case solution for a child who loses a parent, though, is persistence and patience in just simply being there for your friends and family. Friends you know who have been through this process can be a valued asset, so be sure to talk to them for advice if they are willing to share.

Cody D. Jones ‘02

Owner & Community Member

For many people, including myself this year, Thanksgiving is happening without the presence of my maternal grandmother, and it has given me an opportunity, in the past few weeks since her passing, to actually reflect on something that I have not thought of in a long time—the passing of the torch to the next generation.

That’s a phrase we use often—“Passing the torch” and we use it to convey a tradition, a ritual, and a ceremony whereby “the old order gives way, giving rise to the new” as it does when every life takes on a new dimension.

Why is it we can be fully adult in the ages on our driver’s licenses, but when the family matriarch passes away, our minds race back to times when we were either in preschool or elementary school, at the “little kids table,” observing the hustle and bustle of the grownups all around us, rushing to bring in things from the oven and gather everyone for a prayer and the chance to enjoy the labors of love that came together for our Thanksgiving meal.

It never once has born any resemblance to the type of Thanksgiving our nation’s earliest settlers once celebrated, but the thought of thanks is the same, throughout the generations. As long as there has been life, there are always levels of ability to do, to be, to help, and to show the way to the ones coming up behind us. For most of our generations, we have tended to rely on the matriarchs of the family as the “glue that holds the family together.” Traditionally, this means that she is the one who is expected to host the family gathering each year and everyone then plans to arrive at her place and either bring their families, and a signature casserole dish or two, or all of the above.

The meaning of family also extends to signature dishes from our specific family members. Over the years, the family gatherings count on various relatives preparing a dish or two where they really shine and stand out. Meals are Southern ways of sharing and showing love to your family and you plan these events weeks if not months in advance. Shopping is rarely last minute as you know there are many folks counting on having at least one or two bites of their favorite dish from you.

The matriarch is the chief coordinator for all this, however, and when she is no longer among us, there is a vast chasm, not a hole, in our hearts because she was the one person whose responsibility it was to bring everyone together. Without her presence, each one of us can come up with one good reason or another why we can be somewhere else this year, not together with our entire family.

That’s what it seems like, I think. When the matriarch is gone, there’s no heir apparent to step into her shoes. If she has one or more daughters, there’s no reason to assume that they can fill that role automatically because the matriarch has held that spot for decades, most likely. It’s like the span of time and process that King Charles took in ascending the throne after his mother’s passing. You just don’t step up to preside. Too many feelings at stake.

The family staying together, though, is a critical formula for preserving generational traditions and history of the family as stories are shared, and retold year after year until the younger generations start paying close attention and retaining the stories that they will ultimately grow to tell their children and grandchildren.

Rarely does a family homestead property, most frequently the gathering site for holidays, remain available and vacant for future generations. If the house is too big to be the home of a surviving spouse with no one else, it is typically sold and the remaining senior moves to a more realistic size property where they don’t have to apply such intense care and maintenance. Understandable.

But what happens to the traditions? You do have options to preserve them. If you still have your matriarchs among you, grab your phone or your video camera and commit those reflections and important stories to video. Generations to come will be forever grateful to you for doing that. Write down what your loved ones tell you. If history is recorded in a family Bible, make sure you have photocopies made and preserved in a safe location so that you always have backup in case of fire or accident.

Next, there is rarely one person anymore who can step in or step up when the generational family matriarch is gone. There does exist an opportunity, though, for people to help tell her story. Sitting around the dining table before dinner, or in the living room and den relaxing is a good time to tell stories about her. Mostly they are stories of patience, as it takes a while for new members of the family, especially those among us from Southern families, to understand the composition of families.

The matriarch is the lynchpin that connects everyone together. She may be the only member of the family to have everyone’s phone numbers. Likely she has memorized them, or they are in her telephone record book. (Quick: do you know where she keeps hers?) Next, she has likely not written down who in the family brings what each year to a family gathering. She knows it in her head and does not need o have it committed to paper. That’s a factor that has to change when she passes away.

You can think back to last year’s gathering. Who brought what? Who bought what? Who made what and contributed it? For the youngsters, it’s always a great chance for them to hang out in the family kitchen as a typical matriarch will have the patience to encourage them to start their baking careers on something easy at first. As time passes, and with extensive practice, good cooks become great cooks. However, one secret is the ingredient of togetherness. When family and extended family come together, THAT is the magic ingredient that no one expects will make the difference between a good meal and a grand meal and celebration time.

Yes, this time, the shoes are empty, but the memories are plentiful. One person does not have to step up immediately and even try to pretend that they can take the place of, fill the shoes of, or even want to try to accept the responsibility of the person who coordinates bringing everyone together.

The passing years always present opportunities for families to “scatter to the four winds” once the matriarch has concluded her time on earth. It can be a solid thing for new generations to build new family traditions of their own. Other situations in other families may well have some toxic guests and family members who can singlehandedly ruin any and all family gatherings.

Those situations unfortunately are just as real as the Hallmark kind of holiday we love to watch on television. Be aware, too, that these exist. When you have friends who are widowed or unmarried, through death or divorce, there are many people considered “stragglers” who love being invited to your family’s gathering because they can experience the intergenerational fun and hear the laughter of people enjoying low-key fun and good times together.

It is never money, the size of the house, the array of foods on a table, or anything else that can be measured in volume that defines the love that the matriarch brings to her family. It’s the time in caring and sharing herself with each one in the family that lets them know they are loved, values, necessary, and instrumental to the family. We all have the power and ability to do that for our family members.

However many are gathered together this Thanksgiving, even if you are separated from many of those you miss with all your hearts, even the family matriarch, please remember the very best times of days gone by and do whatever you can to recreate that joy for those around you in the “here and now.” We only have today, this day, to celebrate. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. So, in the name of all that is holy, may God bless each of you this Thanksgiving season and may your hearts be healed when your matriarch is missing from around the family table this year.

Cody D. Jones ‘02

Owner & Community Member